Author Archives: alicamckennajohnson

About alicamckennajohnson

Alica McKenna Johnson writes about snarky girls, kind boys, and the adults trying to keep them alive. After day dreaming for the first thirty years of life, Alica finally began writing her stories down, much to the delight of her readers. As Alica sits in her armchair at home dreaming of traveling the world, her diverse characters explore for her listening to music, seeing the sights, and eating exotic foods.

Lots of Places Have a North

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Bienvenue Chez Les Ch’sit
Apparently France is not all coveted beauty, they have a NORTH. A place where bad employees are transferred to, a place with weird accents, unrecognizable slang words, and cold. And fortunately for us, it is a place of fun characters, beauty, and drunken bicycling. A very enjoyable movie, but you need to be a good subtitle reader because they write in the odd accent to show you what is happening and why things are funny.

How would you stay safe?

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Another new adult book, and another fiery rage burning in my body by chapter two. I’m beginning to hate this genre as a whole, so if anyone knows of a good new adult book, please let me know. BTW, a good one won’t have a heroine who is TSTL (To Stupid To Live) and who is forced into situation by her ‘best friend.’ Also it won’t have a womanizing jerk for a hero. This one looked at a crowd of drinking girls and thought of them as ‘easy pickings.’ Now once he gets our heroine in his arms, he wants to protect her and soothe her fears instead of coerce her into bed, but it’s too late—I hate him.

I’m also wondering if I’m just being a horrid judgmental bitch. Having been raised by a strong feminist mother, one who volunteered for a rape crisis center, I grew up with ‘rules’ of how to stay safe on dates and at parties. My mom taught me these rules and I will teach them to my daughter in the hopes of keeping her as safe as possible.
A PERSON IS NEVER ASKING TO BE RAPED OR ASSULTED AND IT IS NEVER THEIR FAULT, NEVER! RULES OR NO RULES.

My ‘rules’
1) Always have one person who is watching out for the others. You can take turns, or in my case it’s always me, because I never drink much. This person makes sure no one drives drunk or goes home with a stranger.

2) Never—ever—take a drink from someone you don’t trust. Watch the bartender pour it if you can, or get drinks in unopened bottles.

3) Never leave your drink unattended. If you walk away from your drink ,you get a new one.

4) Always have ‘mad money’ set aside to get a taxi if you need to. A lot of cabs will do credit cards now, but it’s always good to have $20 stashed just in case.

5) Never go somewhere to be alone with someone you don’t know/trust. Find a corner table, sit outside where others are nearby, but where you can still have a conversation. You do not go to their car, an empty room, or anywhere else they can isolate you.

Obviously if you want to have sex with someone, this last rule does not apply, but then you are making a choice—which is how it should be. People should choose to have sex.

So I put the question to you, what advice, rules, and strategies do you use or tell your children or friends to do in order to keep safe while going to clubs, bars, or parties where there is a lot of drinking?

So, Who Are You Supposed To Have Sex With?

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I was part of a discussion on Facebook the other day about whether as a parent, you would buy contraceptives for your teens. I had to leave because some one said “No, because I believe in no sex before marriage, at least for girls—boys are another thing.”

UM WTF??? Not the no sex before marriage—while it is not part of my belief system, I understand that it is important to a lot of people—but why it is only important for girls. If sex is a sacred/spiritual act and purity of body is important to start a marriage, why are only women expected to show that level of commitment to their future husbands and marriages?

“Because girls can get pregnant.”

I’ve heard this answer before and I call bullshit. Yes, girls can get pregnant. If they try hard, they can get pregnant, have a baby, and get pregnant again in one year.

A boy on the other hand could get more than 300 women pregnant in one year. Yes it would be unlikely, but he could, which makes the consequences of boys having sex outside of marriage, especially unprotected sex, greater than the consequences of girls having sex before marriage.

So, if girls are supposed to remain chaste, who are these boys fucking? No, really. The girls who are good enough to become their wives and mothers of their children have to say no to sex, even though girls have the same desire for sex that boys do. So who does that leave?

Girl they don’t respect. These boy can have sex with the ‘bad girls’, the ‘sluts’, the ‘easy girls’. And is that really okay with you? If your religion/culture/spirituality says that sex is sacred, are you really okay with your boys having sex with women they don’t respect/love/treat well? Because these are the girls they don’t bring home. Don’t admit to dating. And won’t talk to in public. And to me this is sickening.

Married women. Should these teen boys who are being given permission to act like the easy, dirty, sluts we shun in girls, should they be having sex with married women instead of the teens girls who are supposed to be saying no? At least those women ‘saved themselves’ for their husbands, so the important bit is out of the way. It should be fine if they take younger lovers right?

Widowed/single women. Maybe these teen boys should be finding elderly widowed or single women to sow their wild oats with. These women can’t get pregnant, won’t have their hearts broken, and are lonely. Maybe this is the solution to this pathetically double-standard problem.

No wait, I’ve got it.

These boys should be having sex with EACH OTHER! It’s the perfect solution. The teen girls can stay pure and chaste, the married women won’t commit adultery, and the widows/singles, well they kind of lose out, but, hey, it was a squicky solution. The boys can’t get each other pregnant and they won’t be ‘ruining’ anyone for their wedding day because it’s okay if boys come into the marriage bed as dirty sluts. A win-win solution for everyone.

Huuummm I have the feeling not everyone likes that choice, so I have one final offer:

Professionals. Teen boys could get jobs so they have enough money to have sex with professional sex workers. This way, once again the teen girls can remain virgins, and the teen boys can live out the double standard to the fullest without it negatively effecting anyone else.

Have I missed any options? Who do you think these boys should be having sex with if the girls their age must remain virgins?

Very Annie Mary

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Alica Mckenna Johnson, Very Annie Mary, movies
This is a British movie about an awkward girl in a small village named Annie Mary (Rachel Griffiths). Her asshole father (Johnathan Pryce) made me want to kick him. As with most small town British movies and shows the town is filled with quirky characters. One of my favorites is played by Ioan Gruffud. And to top it all off, it’s a musical (kind of). At times the silly/embarrassing things that Annie Mary gets herself into made me hide behind my hands, but all in all I really liked watching her find her way.

Sexy, seductive, scintillating, smart, sassy, and suspenseful.

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Miss Fisher murder mysteries, Alica Mckenna Johnson

I am in love with the Miss Fisher Murder Mysteries. I want to be Phryne Fisher so bad! She is smart, sassy, sexy, and stylish, with the money to make 1920s fashions look so amazing, I would actually trade my yoga pants for her clothes! I also wouldn’t mind all the sexy men she takes to her bed :) Set in Melbourne in the late 1920’s Phryne needs something to do and becomes the first female private detective, much to the horror of the local police detective Jack Robinson.

A wonderful cast of quirky characters, adorably sexy shyness, and swoon worthy suits and gentlemanly manners along with suspenseful mysteries make this an amazing show.
There are two seasons out, and I am hoping it continues.

Is It Manly Enough?

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Alica Mckenna-Johnson, men, man work, manly, hubby

My hubby ready to do man work!

So the other day I had just finished dropping off the evil, um, precious children at camp, and the morning radio DJ asked for people to call in with the “Unmanliest jobs they had seen a man doing.”

My first thought. “Fuck You. How dare you! This question is part of the problem, you’re part of the problem!”
I let it go for a while, because I hadn’t eaten yet and that makes me tetchy, but two days later I still say, “Fuck you.”

What is unmanly? What do they mean by that?

Is it braiding your child’s hair?

Or baking cookies?

Or being a caregiver?

Or being creative?

And what the hell is unmanly about any of those??

The video of the muscle bound guys with tats caring for their children and cleaning the house, those are men, and they sure are hell seem manly to me. And according to this video, it’s important.

I love it when my husband make me food, and not just grilling—look—fire—me cook dead animals cooking, but vegetables sautéed in olive oil, baking gluten free bread, or bringing me a plate of warm from the oven chocolate cookies. I can promise you never once has my husband brought me food and I thought “how unmanly.’ Normally it’s more like, ‘when are these kids going to bed? ’cause that man needs some lovin’.’

When my husband bathed our kids at night and read them stories, and made daisy chains for my daughter to wear, I never thought him womanly. In fact if he was bent over I was probably thinking about his ass.

When my husband paints, or carves, or helps me plot, or designs a new garden I never saw him as less, because let’s face it—in this culture if a man is doing something unmanly aka womanly he is seen as less. What I did and still do see is someone I admire, someone I treasure and someone I intend to keep, so all you all admire from afar and keep your hands to yourselves :)

My husband can cook, fight, cuddle babies, fix cars, sooth boo-boos, wield a sword, create art, move boulders, sew, fire guns, break bones, and throw an amazing slumber party for eight year old girls, no help from mom needed.
And trust me, he’s all man.

Tell me about you, or your partner. What are the things you/they are good at that aren’t traditional gender roles.

What Your Personal Trainer is Really Thinking About You

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Alica Mckenna Johnson, Kristen Lamb, 40 yard line

Poor personal trainers, this is what they have to deal with.
Photo by Kristen Lamb

A while back some website did a post on The 10 Things Your Personal Trainer is Thinking About You. I went expecting to find something funny, but no they were serious, BOO!

So as someone who has inflicted themselves on a personal trainer, these are the 10 things I think personal trainers are REALLY thinking about you.

1. Do you realize how see through that garment is? Personal trainers have to watch you exercise, frequently in odd contorted positions, while you’re sweating. Make sure your clothes don’t turn embarrassingly see through.

2. If you can still whine, you are not working hard enough. Really, your time with a personal trainer should feel like hell, so if you can still whine, then you can probably work harder.

3. No, I am not feeding off your pain. I once told my personal trainer that I thought he was a half-demon and fed off my pain. Thankfully, he was also a film maker and thought it was funny. (No stealing this idea—I plan to write a book at some point)

4. No, I’m not delusional. Personal trainers have training, they watch you carefully and pick exercises that push you but that you can do, even when you think you can’t.

5. Why do I have to listen to this? Some clients whine a lot. I was shocked when I found out I was on the low end of the whining scale. Don’t make these poor people listen to you bitch and whine, unless you are actually doing the exercises while you complain.

6. Do I really have to yell at you? This goes back to the whining. Apparently some people actually need, or maybe like, to be yelled at and forced/shamed into doing the exercises.

7. Dear god, the smell. Either you haven’t put on enough deodorant, shame on you, or you have overdone the crappy cheap body spray. Either way personal trainers have to stand near you. Try to not make it completely unpleasant.

8. Don’t lie to me, you go home and eat crap. Your personal trainer can tell if you are sticking to your diet or stopping by the store to stock up on ice cream and chips on the way home from the gym. Don’t insult their intelligence, tell the truth.

docguy, weight loss , ice cream

Photo by docguy

9. Drink water! At the end of every session with my personal trainer he would remind me to drink a lot of water the rest of the day. Now I love water so I listened, but obviously other people don’t. They don’t get paid by the word. If your personal trainer says it, it must be important.

10. Yes, I’m going to win this month. After a year of personal training I discovered a dark secret. Every week a weird, twisted, embarrassing exercise is posted on the personal trainer’s Facebook group and the goal is to see how many innocent clients they can get to do the exercise. My personal trainer denied this, but I think he was lying. Some of those exercises were just too weird.

So what do you think personal trainers are really thinking?

Ten to Twenty Years

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Alica Mckenna Johnson

Photo from Tar Sands Blockade


No I have not FINALLY been caught and sentenced to prison. Rude!

I have recently turned forty and been a bit introspective, thinking about the rest of my life.

And now I’m worried that I might only have ten to twenty years left, if I take after my parents. My mom died sixteen days before her fiftieth birthday and my dad died just before Christmas at sixty- one.

After a moment of panic and realizing exactly how little time that is, I kind of calmed down and thought about what I would really like to do if I really only have that little time left.

I only have three big things on my bucket list, having my books published and sell well (yes I have an image of what that looks like specifically), traveling, and spending time with my family.

Alica Mckenna-Johnson, tropical beach, vacation dreams

From wikicommons I want to be here with my family someday.


Of course I am hoping I have a lot longer than ten to twenty years, but I feel more determined to live and fight for what I want now that this ‘time limit’ is looming over me.

What about you, do you have a bucket list? Have you done any of things on your list already?

Foreign Film Friday- Philomena

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Philomena

Philomena


Philomena stars Dame Judi Dench and Steve Coogan, so yes, you should just go watch it right now :). This movie is based on the true story of a woman, Philomena, who was forced to give up her baby fifty years ago and kept it a secret. But now she wants to find him. Martin, a journalist, helps her as a ‘human interest story’ and to try and save his career, but what he finds is so much more. I don’t want to give anything away, but do have some tissues ready 

Killer Potatoes

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Alica Mckenna-Johnson, potatoes

They’re innocent until my children get a hold of them.


This is the kind of thing I have to put up with:

Daughter brings me dinner. “Here mom, I have dinner for you.”

“Thanks, honey. It looks good.”

“I’m not so sure about the potatoes. I ate a bite and then threw-up but maybe you’ll have better luck.” Laughing, she walks away.

Really? My daughter serves me killer potatoes. And this is why I never encourage people to have children. Do you encourage people to have kids, or do you tell them stories of your daily life to scare them?