Battle!!!

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FYI- this post hasn’t been edited because I’m feeling inspired right now and because this is a raw subject so I’m letting myself be raw and vulnerable. Okay I’m a day late posting and don’t have time to get it edited- but the vulnerable thing sounded good right?

Today is the day I stop ‘trying to lose weight’ and do it. Six years ago I began my battle with my body, trying different things to lose weight. I would say out loud that I wanted to be healthy and feel better. I have a daughter whose self esteem I’m trying to preserve. But it always came down to numbers on the scale and tag of clothes.

Anyway as I’m sure it is for most of you the battle never ends. It’s a yo-yo ride of horror, where you eat well, exercise, say your positive affirmations and lose some weight. Then something happens. You fight with your spouse, stress because of an asshole at work, you get on the scale which hasn’t changed much and you try to console yourself that you have lost inches and gone down a dress size and muscle weighs more then fat, but that number on the fucking scale burns through everything good leaving a gaping wound which can only be filled by fried chocolaty things.

*crickers chirping* okay maybe that last one is just me.

Point being something happens, maybe it’s a good thing like a party. And you eat. You eat yummy greasy things that make you feel heavy, then numb. And the world is a tough place and dealing with emotions when you have so much to get done can be challenging, and numb feels really good right now. So you order some Chinese food and turn on re-runs of Big Bang Theory and become happily numb.

And, of course, you gain all the weight right back.

So for the past six years this has been me. I’d like to think I am smarter then this, that I would have learned some trick, or sucked it the fuck up and just pushed past it, but I didn’t and I actually weight more now then when I started.

So I am calling out a battle cry against the yo-yo of evil. I am going to break through my bad eating habits, and work on the emotional aspect while doing it- see I can learn.

Why now? You might ask, well really it’s a depressing story and involves crying in Target after trying on jeans on my birthday- lets just not go there.

My master plan I shall share with you. I am doing a cleanse for 30days. I have done it before and have my Personal Trainer and a nutritionist (okay my hubby with tons of life experience) helping me out. I will have a protein shake after working out, and the rest of the time eat raw fruit. My goal is to cleanse my body of all the crap I’ve been eating and break my addictions to carbs, salt, fat, sugar, and gooeyness.

I also want to break my cycle of eating until I’m numb and ignoring my emotions. So to do this I will be following the advice I read in an article on Oprah’s site which talked about emotional eating, you can read it here

Bob Greene talks about making a pie chart with eight segments and putting down the eight things that are most important to you. Then you color in the sections you feel are good in your life. The ones you don’t fill in are places you are trying to eat to fill up. Interesting. So, I will also being doing this, and trying to work on the emotional reasons I eat.

Here are my eight-

1-My kids

2- My hubby

3- Work

4- Writing

5- Friends

6- Spirituality/ self reflection/ personal growth

7- Fun

8- Financial Security

I will continue to write in my gratitude journal, and I’m going to focus on adding more joy into my life. Also I’m going to work on accepting that I am an emotionally sensitive person. I cry at commercials. I am dramatic and use my hands a lot when I speak. And this is okay. I’m not broken. I don’t have to change, or suck it up, or fix anything. Yes, there are times and places for things, but I’m an adult and I can wait to freak out, I don’t need to numb myself so I don’t feel it at all. And no matter how intense my emotions I’m strong enough to handle them. They won’t break me.

So, have you managed to defeat the evil yo-yo?

What would your eight things be?

How do you handle your emotions when it isn’t safe to express them right then?

17 responses »

  1. I’ve so been there. Done it all. Every diet known to man. Lost weight. Gained it back. Plus. However, I’m on the right path now. Losing weight and getting healthier. Good luck to you Alica!

    • Oh…as for the jeans….I didn’t want to buy an expensive pair because of still losing weight. I went to Wal-Mart and got a pair for under $26. They actually fit very well, look great and I’ve had a ton of compliments on them. It might be because my butt is a little smaller — still it says something for the jeans, I think. Plus, I’m 6’0″ and got the long. I really expected them to shrink in the washer and dryer…but they didn’t. I’m so pleasantly surprised by my cheap jeans. :-)

      • Maybe I’ll try Wla-mart. I love cheap jeans, esp when I’m not at the weight I want to be. Who wants to spend a ton of money on jeans in a size you don’t like?

  2. Best wishes. I think the fashion industry doesn’t make it easy on us either. But you’re taking things into your own hands and getting healthy. Sounds like a great idea!

  3. I did defeat the yo-yo, but I didn’t have any choice. There is a direct, inverse relationship between my health and my weight. I can be fit or dead. I picked fit. The only way it worked for me was to change my priorities permanently. I had to put health ahead of all of them, and realized that was tied to diet. Having a partner go through the lifestyle change with me helped tremendously. It’s a lot easier when it feels like a family project.

  4. I was thinking about this today. Would emotional eating even be possible if we didn’t have foods around that were highly palatable and easy to access? If I’m truly hungry, I usually fix myself something decent to eat. If I’m hungry for emotional reasons I look for the easy stuff, like chips or chocolate or sweets. If I don’t have that kind of stuff around, then I’m not going to be able to eat it (although I do always have chocolate around!). I’m not going to eat to fill an emotional hole with carrots or apples or eggs. It just doesn’t happen. I mean, who wants to binge on carrots?

    The same goes for take-out. If I don’t keep the menus around, I don’t think about take-out as much. The longer I go without eating that way, the easier it is to shake off the craving. Quicker too.

    I don’t keep food around that I go to when I’m feeling down or overwhelmed or even when I’m feeling bored. If it’s not in the house I can’t eat it. I sometimes look around for something to eat, but if all I have are some nuts or fruit or vegetables, I’ll either eat those (which are healthy) or I’ll bypass the eating and move on. Or if all I have is something that requires preparation I’ll pass on that too.

    I’ve also found moving around helps me to get over food cravings. I might stretch on my yoga ball or even go for a short walk. Sometimes just getting away from my computer or tv and walking into the next room helps. Getting up and straightening up the house helps too. Anything to disengage that automatic response to the craving.

    Good luck. I know it is a hard struggle.

    • Thanks Kim, and I agree when emotionally hungry stepping away and getting some exercise is fabulous, and if I could do that I would, but once a raging child has finally stopped and the others need me- this is when I fall. So far it’s been interesting to not numb my emotions, surprisingly I haven;t fallen apart- but I also haven’t been called a fucking Nazi bitch by a 13 yr-old who wants to punch me- yet. I’m planning on posting updates, and I am working on not only changing he food that comes into the house and that we make- but also working on my emotional eating tendencies. I’m hoping this cleanse will give me a clean break from bad patterns as long as I have new things in place.

  5. It’s a battle for me, too. Add to it the fact I’m only 5’0″ and a little weight looks like a lot – ugh. What’s worked for me is baby steps – not trying to do it all at once, and reading on the treadmill so I stick with it. Good luck beating the yoyo!

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