So, with all this I should be filled with Care Bear Happiness, but I’m not. This is the difficult part. The part where I get headaches because my back and neck are opening and stretching. I know the more I do and the stronger I get, that they will stop. Frustration/anger/sadness are pouring forth from my body as I now longer eat my feelings with grains.

It is this delicate, hard to judge process. Self-care mixed with pushing so I can improve myself and a touch of poor coping skills to try and stay sane-ish. Some days are easier than others. I have been journaling, purging my negative thoughts so they don’t just spin around and around in my head.

I am taking suggestions for positive coping skills as I go through this process. I am sure just as I settle and balance out, I will increase my steps or do harder yoga and find a new level of emotions I tried to eat into not existing.

I know I am in for a long journey, but I am excited about regaining my life—whatever that is going to mean in the future.

It is so weird and disconcerting. Like when you are speeding down the highway and looking out the side window. The world is zipping by, but you don’t feel like you’re moving, and your brain revolts, and your stomach freaks out, and you throw-up everywhere.

It feels like that.

I suppose I should be happy that my body isn’t physically reacting to my depression. Maybe it won’t last as long. Then again it might last even longer. Who knows?

All I know is that today I want to do yoga, binge on pizza, walk in the sun, and devour an entire plate of nachos while watching Moana so I can cry and laugh.

via GIPHY

Okay, okay you caught me. After three days I woke up an hour earlier than normal, did 30 minutes of yoga, went for a 40 min walk, worked a full day, then came home and forced myself to get writing and other work done at home. The next day I was exhausted, felt like a lazy, fat, old, failure and worried that I would never fully regain my health.

Then a moment of rational thought popped into my brain, and I realized that having had sleep apnea for more than a year my body was not in good shape. My muscles had been deprived of oxygen and exercise. I had put on a significant amount of weight and had been mostly sedentary.

I need to slow down.

I need to be gentle with myself.

I switched from yoga I could do three years ago to beginner’s yoga.

I am careful to get to bed early and wake up 15 minutes earlier than normal.

I make sure there are healthy things for me to eat that are quick to cook.

I give myself down time after work and do only a few easy tasks.

This feels so much better but weirdly foreign, like I don’t have the right to be gentle. Like if I am going to get healthy I should do so in this crazy, abusive, balls-to-the wall way. Which is ridiculous, but a lot of my self-talk is.

Any advice for my healing journey? Anything that helped you as you came back from illness to your best self?

I am lazy.

I am fat.

I am useless.

I am a failure.

No one else is this pathetic.

I am so weak.

I have no self-discipline.

I will never be a good __________ ( mother, partner, friend, author)

Then I almost feel asleep while driving, so I went to my doctor (shocking they can help). After blood work, tests, and a sleep study, not only was my thyroid medication not helping but I was diagnosed with sleep apnea. I would stop breathing an average of 95 times an hour and my blood oxygen level was going down to 73%!

It took weeks before I could get a CPAP machine, but now I can sleep and breathe at the same time. It’s amazing! I feel so much better, and I am slowly increasing my activity. I will need to go back for more bloodwork to check my thyroid, but I wonder why I waited so long to go to my doctor and get help?

And the truth is assumptions about myself.

I assumed I was lazy.

I assumed I was old.

I assumed I was depressed (which is true) and the meds improved my emotional state but not my energy.

I assumed I needed time to rest and recover from a stressful life situation.

I assumed I was a loser.

I assumed I was a failure.

I assumed I was lacking as a functional human being.

The truth is I was and am sick. I have chronic illnesses—hypothyroidism, sleep apnea, and I easily become anemic. All which steal my energy, my emotional stability, and my brain function. I am LUCKY. So, so lucky, as my conditions can be managed.

What to take from this—ask yourself are you sick and tired or tired because you are sick? See your doctor, get a full blood workup. If they blow you off, get a new doctor or pay a lab to do the blood work for you. Don’t dismiss your symptoms as age, weight, or a personality deficiency. You don’t have to be the media ideal of “perfect” in order to be worthy of self-care and good health.

2018 is all about self-care for me, and I hope self-care will be important to you too.

Love yourself and give yourself the best. YOU ARE WORTHY RIGHT NOW.

Dandelions can grow anywhere. They are bright and cheerful. They help make wishes come true. Their leaves can be eaten and their roots are used in herbal medicine. Dandelions are wonderful and versatile plants.

I have friends who are dandelions, who I admire and strive to be like. They post things like: Today was rough I’ve caught the flu, vomiting, coughing, and a fever of 103. I took some medicine which made my head feel all foggy but I managed to write 2500 words, cook pot roast for dinner, wash, dry, and fold three loads of laundry, and cleaned the kitchen. Going to bed early and hopefully I’ll feel better tomorrow so I can catch up on my to-do list! 

I admire these dandelion people, I want to be like them, but I’m not. When I get sick my brain shuts down. I can’t think, let alone write. My body needs sleep, lots and lots of sleep to get better. Because I’m a professional foster parent, my time off is when the kids are in school, which means I sleep all day, take a quick shower before school lets out, then all my energy and focus is on the kids, making sure I don’t forget homework, meds, or appointments.

Even if I take medicine, I can’t muster the energy, focus and determination of a dandelion.

In order to grow and bloom, an orchid must have everything just so — the right amount of light, water, the soil in perfect orchid balance. They will not bloom if these conditions aren’t met.

If I eat the wrong thing, don’t drink enough water, stay up too late, don’t get enough exercise, or have too much emotional/stressful things happening I don’t work right. My brain and body shut down. I can’t think well enough to write. Sleeping becomes my number one goal and it takes careful, intentional, and determined choices to bring myself back into balance.

There are times I get depressed and seriously pissed off that I can’t be a dandelion. That I’m so delicate and fragile. It makes me feels less than. And yes, I’m not ‘supposed’ to compare myself to others. But when we all have colds and I’m the only one sleeping sixteen hours a day, it’s hard not to.

I want to be able to grab food from wherever and be fine. I want to be functional on four hours of sleep after having a major writing session that lasted long into the night. I want to be able to feel safe driving when I’m sick or tired. I wish I didn’t start sliding into depression if I miss a few days of exercise.

I wish I was a dandelion.

But I’m not.

I’m an orchid, and if I ever want to bloom I’m going to have to be consistent with my self-care. I’m going to have to make sure that everything is ‘just so’ every day. I also have to stop seeing this as a failure, stop seeing me as a failure, and start honoring who I really am, an orchid.

Yet I give into wheat temptation all the time, leaving myself tired, headachy, and sick.

If my best friend were trying to lose weight, I would serve her healthy, yummy foods. I wouldn’t cover things in cheese or stock quick heat-’em-up foods in the house when I know she’s so busy that they’ll be a temptation. I would support her any way I could. Making salads, or making sure there are leftovers from healthy dinners, and definitely encouraging her to go to bed early so she feels like working out in the mornings. But I don’t do these things for myself.

If my friend wanted to take a class, or needed new clothes, or a vacation, I would help her go through the finances and schedule and figure out how to make it happen. I would make these things a priority. Because her happiness is a priority. Yet mine isn’t.

I would NEVER EVER tell my best friend she is worthless, ugly, lazy, a failure, or stupid. If she didn’t get something done, or fell behind in her routines, I would smile and remind her that we all do these things. Together we would take a deep breath and I would ask her, what one thing, just one, can you do to help yourself get back on track. This is great advice from a dear friend of mine. Then I would remind her of all the good and positive things she has done, and how much she has in her life to be grateful for, and what wonderful things are coming up in the future. Do I talk like that to myself? No of course not. I berate myself and say nasty things driving my depression deeper. Why do we do this? Who taught us to do this? And how do I keep my kids from following this pattern?

In 2012 I’m going to treat myself like I’m my best friend. Anyone want to join me? What five steps could you take to care for yourself as if you were caring for your best friend?

I’m going to-
1. Write a gratitude journal everyday.
2. Make myself that candy jar.
3. Make healthy yummy foods.
4. Get enough sleep so I can take proper care of myself.
5. When I’m feeling upset or craving something I’m going to write down, Right now I feel _______. This will pass. I will take care of myself as soon as I can. Until then I will do __________.
I’ve used this before, and it really helped.

In the spirit of things that make me happy boy bands- today’s is from England McFly “The Heart Never Lies”