It is so weird and disconcerting. Like when you are speeding down the highway and looking out the side window. The world is zipping by, but you don’t feel like you’re moving, and your brain revolts, and your stomach freaks out, and you throw-up everywhere.

It feels like that.

I suppose I should be happy that my body isn’t physically reacting to my depression. Maybe it won’t last as long. Then again it might last even longer. Who knows?

All I know is that today I want to do yoga, binge on pizza, walk in the sun, and devour an entire plate of nachos while watching Moana so I can cry and laugh.

Photo by Jenny Kaczorowski

Okay so it’ll need a better name, but the idea is amazing!
I want to have a café I can go to when I was feeling depressed. Because sometimes you just can’t stand your home for one more minute, or you want to be around people but not have to talk to them, or you need a safe place to just be.
So this café will have a Quiet Room with soft squishy couches, papasan chairs, and places to curl up. You can be on your computer, read, write, or just zone out. The colors will be soft and inviting. There will be buttons to call for a waitress so no one talks to you unless you want them to.

Photo by Ryan Gessner

There is also be an You Can Do The Thing Room where there will be realistic and cute quotes of inspiration, still comfy places to sit, but also desks and tables with more serious firmer chairs. The colors will be brighter and servers will check in with you to offer food and drink or advice/sounding board/ handholding.
There will be books in both rooms where people can offer advice to how they take care of themselves, or work themselves out of their darker periods. Books where people can write secrets to get them off their chests. Book where people can post poems, pictures of their art, and stories so others can leave encouraging feedback and constructive criticism (if you want it).
The menu will offer foods and drinks that nurture your body and mind, fruits, salads, healthy proteins and teas. And those that nurture your soul: cakes, rich sweet drinks, and cheese carbs.
This is a needed place. It’s awkward to call a friend and say, “Hey I’m in a dark place. Can I come over and read on your couch, but please don’t talk to me. I don’t want to be social, but if I stay in my house for one more minute, I might lose my mind.”
So please someone make this a thing, so I have a place to hang out.
What would you add to this café?

Sometimes happiness seems very far away.

Anyway last night I felt a shift. I’ve had a few lower stress days, but my life hasn’t really changed, just my perception of how to live. I don’t know if I can explain it but I went from feeling overwhelmed and incapable to What can I do right now to make things better?

I can tell when I have a break through, as opposed to trying to give myself a pep talk because I flossed. YES, I should floss every day, but my barometer for how depressed I am is if I floss. When I get to the point that I don’t care, and too tired, or just don’t feel like flossing then I know I’m sinking and I do my best to be gentle with myself.

So last night I flossed, yay! And then this morning I exercised, another important tool in keeping my mood even. I’m hoping going to bed early will come next.

My focus for managing my depression is sleep, diet, and exercise.

Sleep is usually the first one to go under the guise of reading a book so good I can’t put it down, never mind that it’s a book I’ve read before.

Exercise? Now this one is tricky because even when I’m depressed, I will go to the gym with my friend. It helps temporarily, but it is the daily exercise and the willingness to do it in my home without anyone that lets me know when I’m feeling more stable. This morning I did a ten minute dance quickie, Hula Hoop for one song (I’m just starting out), and then did some yoga. I love yoga. I’m never sure why I don’t make time for it every day, but depression isn’t logical and it can take away things we enjoy.

This was not extensive, hard-core exercise—this was moving my body in ways I enjoy, getting blood pumping, and opening myself up. I feel better, and even if I don’t go to the gym, those few minutes will sustain me for the day.

One of the yummy meals my daughter made for me.

“But you could order in,” you say. And you’re right I could, but with my food allergies, even that is limited, unless I want to have migraines and curl in bed for days with painful stomach cramps. IF I WAS WILLING TO DO THAT TO MYSELF I WOULD SEEK MEDICAL HELP FOR MY DEPRESSION.

I used to fight these times of depression. My inner thoughts would become vicious and ugly, and I would ask myself why I couldn’t just suck it up. I’ve learned this makes things worse and once I recognize what is happening and can be gentle with myself, I don’t sink as deep and I don’t stay depressed as long.

I feel that now that I know myself better, I am stable for longer periods of time. A huge turning point for me, which just happened, isn’t about creating the perfect routine. My life isn’t that stable—things change too quickly and in ways I can’t control. So I now do my best to focus on What can I do today? How can I take care of myself right now?

Some days it’s chocolate that makes everything better.

How can you tell you’re sinking into a depressed cycle? What do you do to help yourself out of it?

Photo by BestofWDW

I am doing my best to make sure the yo-yo comes back up. Which means eating well, getting enough sleep, and exercise. And when the yo-yo is up I remind myself to be inspired by people’s successes and to not compare my journey to theirs. To breathe and take everything one step at a time. To try to find solutions instead of wallowing in problems.

Unfortunately as we all know a yo-yo also go down. Down into the deep, dank, dark, despair of my despondent, desperate, desires.

Photograph by chatblanc1

I have told many people that my favorite Christmas was the one I began shopping for in August because it was so relaxed. Have I ever done this again- NO of course not, that would be crazy to repeat something that had worked so well the first time.

So on my down-swings I am trying to breathe, watch happy things on youtube, sleep well, and remind myself that this is temporary, not only will the yo-yo go up but also, eventually I will be able to get off this ride. And on the flip side, being broke means I can pretend to be righteously shunning the shopping madness of Black Friday and Cyber Monday. We’ll ignore the fact that if I’d had money I would have shopped Cyber Monday. 🙂

So how are all of you doing this season? Are you stressing out or have you been saving and shopping early and get to glide through the holidays on fluffy pink clouds of happiness?

Photo by TheAlieness GiselaGiardino²³’