It is so weird and disconcerting. Like when you are speeding down the highway and looking out the side window. The world is zipping by, but you don’t feel like you’re moving, and your brain revolts, and your stomach freaks out, and you throw-up everywhere.

It feels like that.

I suppose I should be happy that my body isn’t physically reacting to my depression. Maybe it won’t last as long. Then again it might last even longer. Who knows?

All I know is that today I want to do yoga, binge on pizza, walk in the sun, and devour an entire plate of nachos while watching Moana so I can cry and laugh.

I am lazy.

I am fat.

I am useless.

I am a failure.

No one else is this pathetic.

I am so weak.

I have no self-discipline.

I will never be a good __________ ( mother, partner, friend, author)

Then I almost feel asleep while driving, so I went to my doctor (shocking they can help). After blood work, tests, and a sleep study, not only was my thyroid medication not helping but I was diagnosed with sleep apnea. I would stop breathing an average of 95 times an hour and my blood oxygen level was going down to 73%!

It took weeks before I could get a CPAP machine, but now I can sleep and breathe at the same time. It’s amazing! I feel so much better, and I am slowly increasing my activity. I will need to go back for more bloodwork to check my thyroid, but I wonder why I waited so long to go to my doctor and get help?

And the truth is assumptions about myself.

I assumed I was lazy.

I assumed I was old.

I assumed I was depressed (which is true) and the meds improved my emotional state but not my energy.

I assumed I needed time to rest and recover from a stressful life situation.

I assumed I was a loser.

I assumed I was a failure.

I assumed I was lacking as a functional human being.

The truth is I was and am sick. I have chronic illnesses—hypothyroidism, sleep apnea, and I easily become anemic. All which steal my energy, my emotional stability, and my brain function. I am LUCKY. So, so lucky, as my conditions can be managed.

What to take from this—ask yourself are you sick and tired or tired because you are sick? See your doctor, get a full blood workup. If they blow you off, get a new doctor or pay a lab to do the blood work for you. Don’t dismiss your symptoms as age, weight, or a personality deficiency. You don’t have to be the media ideal of “perfect” in order to be worthy of self-care and good health.

2018 is all about self-care for me, and I hope self-care will be important to you too.

Love yourself and give yourself the best. YOU ARE WORTHY RIGHT NOW.

There were elements I liked. For example, the mix of Danny’s childish innocence and warrior fierceness, the complexity of the villains, and the story was interesting. I didn’t love it, but I will check out the next season.

However, what did catch my attention was the nurse, Claire. She has been in all the Marvel shows on Netflix that I’ve watched so far, and I can’t wait to see what becomes of her. For me right now she is the most interesting character.

Have you seen it? What did you think?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9OKL5no-S0

I didn’t like season two nearly as much, and, honestly, I found the constant preaching of how every life is precious and worth saving sanctimonious and naïve. I was Team Punisher the whole time. I am looking forward to his show.

I’ll probably check out season 3, because the Kingpin should be back, but I’m not nearly as excited about it.

How did you like Daredevil Season 2?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m5_A0Wx0jU4

A huge part of the show is Kasumi finding new joy and remembering his past through food.

Seriously, this is pretty much him being adorable and food porn. I loved it, and I really hope they make a second season.

Sorry I couldn’t find a trailer with English subtitles.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r8lvlgu8Qa4

Congratulations to:

Heather
Leslie
Jen
Kayleigh

I will be emailing you personally.

I hope everyone enjoys A DRAGON’S CLUTCH. I’m anxiously waiting reviews  🙂

If you have read it, what was your favorite scene?
Post in the comments, but be careful not to include spoilers – we don’t want to ruin it for those who haven’t read it yet.

I’m not sure when or where this need to make fun of myself in an attempt to justify my imperfections came about. I do know it’s hurtful and I want to stop.
How do you talk to/about yourself?

My daughter and I with all the noms.

As a kid I always saved my favorite part of my meal for last. I wanted the yummiest tastes to be the last on my tongue.
I still do this, and it has taken me 41 years to realize this leads to overeating.
Now of course since I am serving myself, I like everything on my plate, but there is still a hierarchy of yumminess. Salad, broccoli with garlic, homemade mac n’ cheese. So if I eat all my veggies and feel full I can promise you that I will eat the mac n’ cheese anyway. Seriously, will power isn’t my thing.
So what would happen if I ate my favorite food first? Would I be more likely to stop eating when I was full? Could I pack the rest into a container for later?
I think this I’m going to try this. I’ll go ahead and pick the yummiest bits and eat them first and hope that will mean I can stop eating when I am full instead of stuffing myself.
What do you eat first?

Brie, so yummy

I love cheese, real cheese that comes in blocks and has a rind. Cheese that smells pungent with a strong taste that would make kids gag.
So why does the fake orange cheese always look so good? Plastic cheese sauce for nachos. ‘Cheese’ powder for boxed macaroni and chips.
What is it about that shade of orange that makes my mouth water?
I know it’s not real food.

Photo by Mike Mozart

I know it’ll make my stomach hurt and give me a headache. And yet I want it whenever I see it.
It’s addictive.
Do you too long for the fake orange ‘cheese’?

Photo by Jenny Kaczorowski

Okay so it’ll need a better name, but the idea is amazing!
I want to have a café I can go to when I was feeling depressed. Because sometimes you just can’t stand your home for one more minute, or you want to be around people but not have to talk to them, or you need a safe place to just be.
So this café will have a Quiet Room with soft squishy couches, papasan chairs, and places to curl up. You can be on your computer, read, write, or just zone out. The colors will be soft and inviting. There will be buttons to call for a waitress so no one talks to you unless you want them to.

Photo by Ryan Gessner

There is also be an You Can Do The Thing Room where there will be realistic and cute quotes of inspiration, still comfy places to sit, but also desks and tables with more serious firmer chairs. The colors will be brighter and servers will check in with you to offer food and drink or advice/sounding board/ handholding.
There will be books in both rooms where people can offer advice to how they take care of themselves, or work themselves out of their darker periods. Books where people can write secrets to get them off their chests. Book where people can post poems, pictures of their art, and stories so others can leave encouraging feedback and constructive criticism (if you want it).
The menu will offer foods and drinks that nurture your body and mind, fruits, salads, healthy proteins and teas. And those that nurture your soul: cakes, rich sweet drinks, and cheese carbs.
This is a needed place. It’s awkward to call a friend and say, “Hey I’m in a dark place. Can I come over and read on your couch, but please don’t talk to me. I don’t want to be social, but if I stay in my house for one more minute, I might lose my mind.”
So please someone make this a thing, so I have a place to hang out.
What would you add to this café?