Photo by Kate Ter Haar

So it seems like every time I change my eating habits, my loving family starts out very supportive and then slowly changes what they bring me for meals.
Yes, you will probably hate me after this, but I almost never cook. Breakfast and dinner are made by my hubby and daughter. They bring it down to the group home for me every day 🙂
But when I start trying to eat better, the meals seem to become bigger. Because I am no longer eating grains, I have to eat double portions of everything else, right?
I’ll give you an example.
My daughter made me Japanese omelets and stir-fried shrimp and vegetables. I was starving, and I’m a pig so I ate all of it. I thought the omelets were just really fluffy. So with my plate empty, I leaned back to finish watching my show (yes, I know it’s better to eat mindfully, but I don’t have that kind of time, people) and then the amount of food I ate hit my stomach. I was SO full. Disgustingly full.
When I asked my daughter she said that she used six eggs. SIX EGGS!!!! WTH!
I would never eat six eggs in one meal. I had to limit her to three, and ONLY if she felt it REALLY needed them for what she was making.

Photo by Mack Male

Hubby brings me platters full of seasoned baked tofu and roasted vegetables. It takes me hours to eat them all!
I know you all feel for me, being brought these delicious meals that are too big to eat in one sitting.
Truly, my life is hard.

Tala, three hair colors ago 🙂

Tala was walking home from school. Minding her own business. Okay, she was scoping out what everyone else was doing, giving nods to people she knows, winking at hot people, and listening to her music.
A group of men from the prison were cleaning up debris. Orange jumpsuits, prison tats, and guards with guns—the works. So Tala walks by, and the men catcall her.
Tala turns, pulling out her headphones and yells, “Hey I’m only fourteen years old, assholes!”
Several of these men start apologizing and one man started to cry.
Tala rolled her eyes and walked the rest of the way home, her badassness still undefeated.

Photo by Lindy

Hubby points at the bathroom counter.
Me: Don’t mess with my bottles.
Hubby: What they hell is all this crap?
Me: This is my new beauty regime.
Hubby: Eyebrow
Me: It works and reduces wrinkles and makes my skin healthier and smoother.
Hubby: This is all crap. Your skin doesn’t absorb things; it is designed to keep things from getting into your body.
Me-: You know what? just hush. I’m going out tonight, and when I get to the club, I’m going to get carded. And not because my friends are holding up a sign saying, “Please Card Her.” And not because the bouncer is nice and likes to make chubby, middle-aged women feel good about themselves. I’m going to get carded because my new diet and exercise routine and my beauty regime has taken twenty years off me.
Hubby: You started putting this crap on your face four days ago, and started working out three weeks ago.
Me: So?
Hubby: You live in a special world.
Me: Reality has no place here.

Photo by Sam Howzit

I just bought my first boba tea today, also called bubble tea. This is the tea people with ADD should be drinking. First there were a ton of flavor choices. Then you pick between traditional tapioca pearls or bursting pearls which have juice inside them. I chose bursting pearls. Then I had to pick a flavor, so I chose pomegranate to go the hibiscus tea.
Sip tea, squish pearls, giggle at burst of sweet juice, repeat.
The regular pearls are chewy so with each sip have something to do beside drinking. They did have red beans and several types of jelly to add to the drinks, which I’ll have to check out next time I go 🙂
Have you tried boba tea, and do you like it? If not, why not?

Photo by Lily of Bursting Boba!

I wasn’t sure what kind of picture went with this post but I wanted to have something so here is a rose 🙂

I am a huge fan of the Body Love/ Body Acceptance movement. I have been so inspired by people’s stories, the amazing work they are doing, and their positive energy.
I firmly believe that everyone should love their bodies. That everyone deserves to feel good about themselves. And no one should be bullied, discriminated against, or made to feel bad because of how they look.
I’m also not happy with my own body. I don’t feel healthy. I’m not as strong or flexible as I want to be, and I want to have greater endurance. Part of achieving the healthy body I want means losing weight. While I don’t have a number goal, either weight or clothing size, I still feel like I’m betraying people. As if wanting to be healthier and fitter means that I will become one of ‘them.’ One of the people who insist perfectly beautiful people are photoshopped into imposable standards of perfection. One of the people who stresses youth and beauty and thinness above intelligence or compassion or creativity.
And I’m not.
I’m not suffering as I start a new way of eating and taking care of my body. Well, except for a few sore muscles, LOL. I’m not curled in a corner clutching pictures of chocolate cake, or making my husband eat chips and then kissing him so I can taste them without the calories. I am enjoying the food I’m eating. I feel so much better. And other than my ass being numb I’m enjoying the exercise. I am not suffering to be thin. I am putting energy into being healthy. By being physically healthier, my brain is healthier. My daily word count is going up, my thoughts and ideas are clearer, and much to the joy of the people around me my mood is more stable.
So I am declaring here and now that I can work for the healthiest me possible and I still be part of the Body Love and Body Acceptance movements. Because I know that these movements aren’t about body shaming people of any size, there is room for me to fit in.
What do you think?

Photo by Elizabeth Cooper

So when I finally lay down in bed it felt like a touchdown.

“Yes, she’s in bed! The crowd goes wild.”

My body relaxed into the mattress, and bliss washed over me. My eyes fluttered closed. And I’m sure a beam of moonlight fell upon my porcelain skin.

Everything was perfect.

Then I had to pee, again. I tried to ignore it, but alas my moment of perfection was over.

Photo by Very Quiet

BUT for some reason just knowing someone with a prescription pad makes me feel like I am one step closer to having a nefarious life.

Like if something happened and I was on the run from the law I could get meds from him and stay hidden from ‘the man.’

Now I just need to meet a sex worker, assassin for hire, and a slightly unstable scientist.

Do you have someone in your life who is an unknowing part of your evil plans?

Sometimes happiness seems very far away.

Anyway last night I felt a shift. I’ve had a few lower stress days, but my life hasn’t really changed, just my perception of how to live. I don’t know if I can explain it but I went from feeling overwhelmed and incapable to What can I do right now to make things better?

I can tell when I have a break through, as opposed to trying to give myself a pep talk because I flossed. YES, I should floss every day, but my barometer for how depressed I am is if I floss. When I get to the point that I don’t care, and too tired, or just don’t feel like flossing then I know I’m sinking and I do my best to be gentle with myself.

So last night I flossed, yay! And then this morning I exercised, another important tool in keeping my mood even. I’m hoping going to bed early will come next.

My focus for managing my depression is sleep, diet, and exercise.

Sleep is usually the first one to go under the guise of reading a book so good I can’t put it down, never mind that it’s a book I’ve read before.

Exercise? Now this one is tricky because even when I’m depressed, I will go to the gym with my friend. It helps temporarily, but it is the daily exercise and the willingness to do it in my home without anyone that lets me know when I’m feeling more stable. This morning I did a ten minute dance quickie, Hula Hoop for one song (I’m just starting out), and then did some yoga. I love yoga. I’m never sure why I don’t make time for it every day, but depression isn’t logical and it can take away things we enjoy.

This was not extensive, hard-core exercise—this was moving my body in ways I enjoy, getting blood pumping, and opening myself up. I feel better, and even if I don’t go to the gym, those few minutes will sustain me for the day.

One of the yummy meals my daughter made for me.

“But you could order in,” you say. And you’re right I could, but with my food allergies, even that is limited, unless I want to have migraines and curl in bed for days with painful stomach cramps. IF I WAS WILLING TO DO THAT TO MYSELF I WOULD SEEK MEDICAL HELP FOR MY DEPRESSION.

I used to fight these times of depression. My inner thoughts would become vicious and ugly, and I would ask myself why I couldn’t just suck it up. I’ve learned this makes things worse and once I recognize what is happening and can be gentle with myself, I don’t sink as deep and I don’t stay depressed as long.

I feel that now that I know myself better, I am stable for longer periods of time. A huge turning point for me, which just happened, isn’t about creating the perfect routine. My life isn’t that stable—things change too quickly and in ways I can’t control. So I now do my best to focus on What can I do today? How can I take care of myself right now?

Some days it’s chocolate that makes everything better.

How can you tell you’re sinking into a depressed cycle? What do you do to help yourself out of it?