So I’ve been taking a TRX class and it’s insane crazy fun. I’m not able to talk. The music is too loud, and I’m panting to hard. But in my head I have a running commentary of ‘funny’ things I want to say to explain why I’m not as good as everyone else. When he brings out the mats, which means plank and other abs work, I call them Alica’s Mats of Humiliation.
I feel the need to justify everything that I can’t do perfectly or look perfect while doing it.
If I’m not as productive as I need or want to be, I say I was worthless this morning.
Really? Worthless? Because I didn’t get forty hours’ worth of work done in the five hours I had available to me?
I don’t say I’ll walk and get that. I say I’ll waddle over there.
When I said this to my step-mom, she looked my right in the eyes and said, “Alica you do not waddle.”
I almost burst into tears. I didn’t realize how hurtful these little things I said about myself are.
Yes most of my TRX class is full of younger, stronger, buffer people but guess what? I doubt they even care why I can’t do the exercises at the same level as they can. Hey, I’m older and overweight, so it’s not actually a mystery.
But I get better, and I show up and work myself into a panting, sweaty mess, so go me.
I’m not sure when or where this need to make fun of myself in an attempt to justify my imperfections came about. I do know it’s hurtful and I want to stop.
How do you talk to/about yourself?