feral kitten, Alica Mckenna-Johnson CocteauBoy, Kitten

Photo by CocteauBoy

Sometimes my Wi-Fi acts like a feral kitten. You know the mangy, flea-bitten, hissing little thing hiding under your porch, and it’s just so  SAAADD and CUUUTE, and we must save the nasty little thing.

So there you are on your hands an knees, making that stupid tongue-clicky noise that all humans make at animals. It reminds me of the old Westerns where the white guy would hold up his hand and say “How” to the noble savage. This empowering sound would stave off their attack. So this is what we are doing, making the universal human-to-animal tongue-clicky noise, and we think we are letting them know everything is fine and that we are its friend.

But the kitten, arches her mangy kitten eyebrow at me, with a look of disdain. The question  “Are you a total idiot?” psychically  floats through the air. The same thing I think as I see the white cowboy halt the attack of a group of white men painted to look like Native American people in the old westerns.

Alica Mckenna-Johnson, Old West. Old Western Movies

Photo by inkknife_2000

But of course I have no  other skills, so I’m on my hands and knees clicking and cooing, and trying to get this kitten out from under the porch. I promise love, and affection, and nummy things to eat. And the kitten comes a little closer, then puffs up (which is just so darn cute) and scoots back. And we do this for a while. Finally I decide to appeal to its baser nature, and I get some damn food. I leave small pieces of cheese on the ground (I’m a vegetarian, it’s all I have a kitten would like. Stop judging me!) and slowly coax the kitten out. And this is when I learn the kitten will do anything for food; basically it’s a prostitute. I have lured a mangy, flea-bitten feral prostitute kitten out from under the porch.

Go Me!

And this is exactly how my Wi-Fi is. I have to sit in just the right position and for a few moments I can get Wi-Fi, if I don’t sneeze.

But like my little whore kitten, if I try to load Amazon or any other site that has money, it loads just fine. I could sit in a steel-lined bomb shelter a mile away, and I bet Amazon would load!

Does this make my computer a pimp?

Alica Mckenna-Jonson, Pimp, pimp costume

Photo by Sparr0