55 Comments

  1. Diane Capri (@DianeCapri)
    January 26, 2012 @ 2:56 pm

    Definitely #3!! Most definitely!!!!

    Reply

  2. Cynthia Garner
    January 26, 2012 @ 3:00 pm

    Alica, I like #2 the best. I’ll send you an email with my suggestions. 🙂

    Reply

  3. Kim
    January 26, 2012 @ 3:03 pm

    #2. It’s the one that would get me to pick up your book.

    Reply

  4. Patricia Yager Delagrange
    January 26, 2012 @ 3:12 pm

    I like number 3.

    Reply

  5. Myndi Shafer...one stray sock away from insanity.
    January 26, 2012 @ 3:17 pm

    First of all, very cool, Alica! I hope you don’t cringe at the comparison, but it reminds me a little of a girl-type Harry Potter. I totally want to read it!

    I like the second blurb best – just for funsies, I played with it a little:

    Sara’s dreams didn’t involve finding a family, changing her name, discovering magical creatures are real – or catching on fire. But on her fourteenth birthday an ancient family inheritance – a gift, or a curse – changed her appearance, and her life. With new supernatural powers she is welcomed into the family of the Phoenix – descendants of an ancient Phoenix King and Queen. Now, Sara must decide if she will hide or embrace being a child of fire and accept the dangerous destiny as the enemy of the evil that killed her parents.

    I’m so totally new at this, so take my blurb with about a thousand grains of salt. 🙂 I think you’re doing great!!

    Have a happy Monday, girlie!

    Reply

  6. gingercalem
    January 26, 2012 @ 3:30 pm

    Hands down, #2 would get me to read this book. It shows your character, it shows antagonists and it shows a major choice … in or out … with big time stakes. 🙂

    Reply

  7. Kim Griffin
    January 26, 2012 @ 3:39 pm

    Ok – I like 2 but think it’s giving away a tad too much. I like 3 because it’s got a little mystery there but it may need a smidge more of a hook to draw you.

    So, either 2 with a little less reveal or 3 with a little extra hook.

    Clear as mud? Hope it helps some!

    Kim Griffin

    Reply

    • alicamckennajohnson
      January 26, 2012 @ 7:48 pm

      Wonderful- thank you for the input it seems like a tighter 2 is going to win this one.

      Reply

  8. Sherry Isaac
    January 26, 2012 @ 3:50 pm

    Hi Alicia. Popping over from Wana112.

    # 1 felt a little cluttered to me.

    #2 felt most focused, most specific. Sara’s wants, her internal and external conflicts are defined.

    #3 is similar to #2, but #2 felt stronger.

    Hope that helps.

    Reply

    • alicamckennajohnson
      January 26, 2012 @ 7:50 pm

      Thank you Sherry for coming over! It helps a lot this blurb thing is hard! I’m so thankful for all the help.

      Reply

  9. coleen patrick
    January 26, 2012 @ 4:10 pm

    #2 for me as well! It sounds like a great story 🙂

    Reply

  10. Kecia Adams
    January 26, 2012 @ 4:18 pm

    Hi Alica! I played with #2 also 😀 The thing to remember about all summaries of your story (e.g.: pitches, blurbs, synopses, etc.) is that you want to the deliver concept, character and structure of your story in a package that will ELICIT EMOTION in order to get the reader, agent, or publisher to crack the book open and read on. The emotion should be the same one you emphasize in the actual story. From your blurb I get that there’s a mystery and a cool supernatural/paranormal element, but you hide our reason to sympathize and care about Sara (she’s an orphan) till the very end. I think you should lead with her undeserved misfortune and then give her a true choice at the end of the blurb.

    Orphan Sara (Last Name) has dreams of [what ARE her dreams? you say what they are NOT but I think you should tell us her own goal for herself to contrast with what actually happens and to help us identify with her as a “regular girl”]. Destiny, however, has a different path in mind through an ancient family inheritance that changes Sara’s appearance and her life on her fourteenth birthday–a gift, or a curse? Sara must embrace a new name and a new family, as she discovers that magical creatures and catching on fire are everyday occurances. The family of the Phoenix–decendents of an ancient Phoenix King and Queen–welcome her into their ranks. But even as she struggles with the elements as a child of fire, a old evil lurks, and Sara must decide whether to confront her destiny and avenge her parents’ deaths, or to remain in safe hiding from her darkest memories.

    Or something like that! Sounds like a great YA story. 🙂 Feel free to email me if you want to ask questions…Feels like a Monday to me too, Myndi. 😀

    Reply

    • alicamckennajohnson
      January 26, 2012 @ 7:53 pm

      Kecia- thank you so much for the help! Crafting a blurb is harder then writing the book! LOL! I like how you’ve re-organized. Several people have tweaked #2 for me I’m going to have to play around with it a bit more. And I just might email you later 🙂

      Reply

  11. Mandy Allen
    January 26, 2012 @ 5:16 pm

    I agree with everyone else, #2 is the best. It gives just enough information without giving it all away, and it definately sounds like an interesting read!

    Reply

  12. Rhonda Hopkins
    January 26, 2012 @ 5:46 pm

    #2 🙂

    Reply

  13. marlenedotterer
    January 26, 2012 @ 5:49 pm

    I’m for #2. It’s the most coherent. It tells you what the book is about, while also building tension. It would make me open the book to read more. Sounds good!

    Also – would love to guest post on your blog. I’ve got a big promotion push coming up since my book is about the builder of the Titanic, and April is the hundredth anniversary of the sinking.

    Reply

    • alicamckennajohnson
      January 26, 2012 @ 7:56 pm

      Thank you Marlene! I’d love to have you guest post- or we can do an interview which ever works best for you. I’ll email you 🙂

      Reply

  14. Debra Kristi
    January 26, 2012 @ 6:16 pm

    Well, what’s one more vote for #2 at this point? LOL I like #2 but I think you could tweak it just a little bit, Tighten it up. It sounds really interesting Alica. I would definitely put it on my list!

    Reply

    • alicamckennajohnson
      January 26, 2012 @ 8:00 pm

      Thank you so much Debra! A tighter #2 seems to be the winner right now.

      Reply

  15. Jennette Marie Powell
    January 26, 2012 @ 6:37 pm

    I’m going to be a rebel and pick #1. It read the most smoothly and drew me in by evokong sympathy for Sara. Whichever you choose, good luck!

    Reply

  16. rachelfunkheller
    January 26, 2012 @ 7:55 pm

    I’m liking #3, and say the more concrete items you can give us the better. Great work.

    Reply

    • alicamckennajohnson
      January 26, 2012 @ 8:01 pm

      Thank you so much Rachel! I’ve been tearing my hair out over these!

      Reply

  17. Karen McFarland
    January 26, 2012 @ 8:50 pm

    I was going to say 3 until I took another look at #1 because of what Jennette said. You do want to draw your reader in by making them sympathetic to the character.

    Best wishes Alicia! 🙂

    Reply

  18. Fabio Bueno
    January 26, 2012 @ 8:57 pm

    I like #2. With a little tweaking and a little tightening, it can be perfect!
    And I want to read this novel! 🙂

    Reply

    • alicamckennajohnson
      January 27, 2012 @ 1:37 am

      Thank you so much Fabio! #2 seems to be the fav, now to just polish it up.

      Reply

  19. Karen
    January 26, 2012 @ 10:07 pm

    #2 definitely does it for me. I do note that it is missing a small word or two that my eyes had to do a “work around” and insert. So, just re-read it and put them in before you finalize it.

    Reply

    • alicamckennajohnson
      January 27, 2012 @ 1:38 am

      Thanks Karen- I’m sure I’ll frantically check it a ton before I post it finally.

      Reply

  20. Mary Ball
    January 26, 2012 @ 10:18 pm

    Number 2 with some of the drama from number one. I would start with the second sentence. I’ll send you my version off line.

    Reply

  21. Jennifer Jensen
    January 26, 2012 @ 10:20 pm

    I liked the empathy #1 gave me, but it had too much extra info – group home dream, scrubbing, etc. #3 is a bit the same (circus camp?) but didn’t grab me. My choice is a tweaked #2, but especially the rewrite that Kecia gave it. Good luck!

    Reply

  22. Angela Wallace
    January 26, 2012 @ 10:20 pm

    Definitely #2. 🙂 If you’re working on the blurbs, you must be getting ready to present this baby, right?…. 😀

    I’d love to do an interview on your blog! They always look like so much fun.

    Reply

    • alicamckennajohnson
      January 27, 2012 @ 1:41 am

      Thanks Angela! Yes, I am close I’m hoping by the end of Feb- at least it look like I can do it by then to me, but we’ll see I’ve never self-pubbed before.
      I’d love to interview you- I’ll send you an email.

      Reply

  23. Julie Glover
    January 27, 2012 @ 1:42 am

    In order, #2, then #3, and finally #1. The second one really piqued my interest the most. So much there that made me want to say, “What? Really? Then what?”

    Reply

    • alicamckennajohnson
      January 27, 2012 @ 1:51 am

      Thanks Juile! I’m glad 2 did all that as that’s the goal right?

      Reply

  24. Carrie Daws (@CarrieDaws)
    January 27, 2012 @ 3:20 am

    Okay, #1 confused me! #2 helped straighten me out, but I think #3 created the most intrigue — just mysterious enough to make me want to read more without leaving me completely baffled.

    And — if you’d like, I’ll do an author interview for you. 🙂

    Reply

    • alicamckennajohnson
      January 28, 2012 @ 3:22 pm

      Thanks Carrie- this helps a lot, and I’d loved to be interviewed!

      Reply

  25. Serena Dracis, Author
    January 27, 2012 @ 5:21 am

    Has to be #2, that one made me want to read the book. Number 3 was close, but not as intriguing and #1 just made me wonder ‘huh?’ Great idea to post blurbs and get input. I may have to copy it! 😉

    Reply

  26. Laura Russell
    January 27, 2012 @ 5:43 am

    Alicia,
    I’m voting for #2 although #1 has good phrases. Overall, #2 is a better emotional hook. I like the advice from Kecia to make it clear what her dreams are.

    Reply

  27. Lynette M. Burrows
    January 27, 2012 @ 12:59 pm

    In #1 the first sentence gives me a strong feel for where your character is at emotionally at the beginning of the story. However, I find the second paragraph very confusing and the remaining information too vague.

    Regarding # 2, Kecia’s given you great advice. There’s nothing I can add to that. Following her template to revise #2, you’ll end up with a strong blurb that will appeal to readers.

    In number three the second sentence is specific enough but I think the idea of a circus camp detracts from what you are trying to establish about your novel. Circus camp sound fun and exciting, the opposite of the scary ideas of changes in appearance, catching on fire, etc. If the circus camp is important, use it, but use it to strengthen the mood and theme of your story.

    Reply

    • alicamckennajohnson
      January 28, 2012 @ 3:22 pm

      Wonderful- thank you for breaking it down for me this helps a lot!!

      Reply

  28. Gail
    January 27, 2012 @ 8:14 pm

    I like #2, but I love to tinker with blurbs. Here’s my two cents worth, keeping in mind that I probably should, you know, maybe read the book first:

    Teenage years are embarrassing enough without combining acne and a disturbing tendency to burst into flame. Orphaned at five, there’s no advisor to guide young Sara when her magical inheritance spectacularly reveals itself. Then, people calling themselves the Phoenix show up, claiming to be the family she never had. Meanwhile, ancient enemies also search for the newest Child of Fire, with deadly intent. Will Sara be strong enough to survive her dangerous destiny and embrace the Fire?

    Reply

    • alicamckennajohnson
      January 28, 2012 @ 3:31 am

      Thanks so much Gail- I’ve gotten some amazing advice! Now to choose the next level LOL!

      Reply

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