I realized that I have become a pessimist, and not a simple “the glass is half empty” pessimist, more of a “I bet someone put poison in that glass and is going to charge me to drink out of it, and then it’s going to break into a thousand pieces, each one cutting me before I begin foaming at the mouth and die in writhing agony” kind of a pessimist.

I wasn’t always this way. I use to smile and laugh all the time. I looked forward to what the day would bring, and be grateful for all that I had, and look on the bright side of things.

Now I groan thinking of what I have to do next, all that’s on my to-do list, and think of all the ways things could go wrong in any given second. Paranoid much? They must have drugs for this.
Oh, I have books and can tell you at least a dozen different things I could do, or should do, or would do if only I had time/money/focus/a car/ or blue glitter.

There are herbs and vitamin I can take to help my stress, and frequently I do. When I exercise I feel better as long as I avoid the mirrors and scales. Writing, of course helps. But what really needs to change is me.

I’m waiting for my world to change, for my money situation to improve, for the kids in my house to be different, to have a car, to find balance, to buy blue glitter. Yet none of these things matter. I have to change. I have to decide to find joy and gratitude in caring for four ADD boys- more then being grateful I have a job- which I am very very grateful for.

I need to find time to breathe and smile and laugh at simple things.
I need to stop passing by the emails from Oprah’s Life class. I need to finish reading the book on Spiritual Lesson for Weight loss. I need to find joy in my day-to-day life again. I need to count my blessings and stop listing my failures. I need to be grateful for the penny in my wallet and not list all the things I need to pay for. I need to stop being jealous of those people in my life with time or money or a car or who have found their passion and start celebrating with them the blessings they have so I can start recognizing my own blessings.

I need to stop being such a crabby bitch, and lighten up.